You're a womanizer and a bitch.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
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I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
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These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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