We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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