chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
