He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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