Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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