I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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