my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
