From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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