and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
