I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
