If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
