i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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