Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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