My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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