He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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