Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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