when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
