I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
