dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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