His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
