I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wear drunk well.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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