dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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