We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
