Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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