I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
