Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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