and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
