Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
