rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Panties = found
Randomize
