one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
