I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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