I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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