I think i sorta joined a cult last night
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
