I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back