Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
