I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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