I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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