i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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