I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
there was a trapeze. enough said
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
