I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
