woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
