They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
