my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
