Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
