well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Someone came in the potted fern
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
