I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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