God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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