...so i touched it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
