I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
