Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
