if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
