Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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