nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
