I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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