When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
